IRIKEFE RETURNS

Jide Falomo decided to go to the police station to file a complaint. He could tell that the men that came to remove Inspector Akpan’s things were not on official duty and were going to take him without a warrant. He had worked closely enough with the police to know when underhand approach served them better: a vindictive superior versus a homosexual man who would not want to go to jail. So get him, beat the shit out of him and even take his money.

Just as he thought, the Division did not know anything about the activities of the two men. Inspector Akpan had been transferred out of Lagos due to “extraneous circumstances” on the orders of the State Police Commissioner. He had not made any report against any person at his address.

Jide used his contacts at the High Court to get a restraining order against the Inspector on the grounds that they had had a “common altercation as neighbours” and Jide feared that Akpan could use his powers as a Police officer to cause him intimidation and possible harm. He used the “questionable behaviour” of his charges as he moved out of the compound as further grounds.

Jide Falomo had gotten Inspector Akpan and his goons off his back.

While he was away, the council of elders sat again. They had been rudely interrupted by the policemen, and being weekend, they had no reason to disperse in a hurry.

“I’m certain Jide will solve his problem. The only people that can deal with the Nigerian Police are lawyers.”

“That is true. But what did he do to the Inspector and why has the man packed out of the compound after just two weeks? He only spent one or two nights here,” Josiah said.

“It is not unconnected with the intrusion at his place that night that resulted in him firing a shot,” Achike said.

“Your caretaker had a different take on the matter. He said the man was assaulted by Agbonyibo’s ghost as Agbonyibo did to Achike. We know Irikefe says a lot of nonsense but we also know he tells the truth. He only lacks emotional intelligence. What if it wasn’t Agbonyibo’s ghost that attacked the man but the lawyer which is the reason for the police to be after him?”

Josiah noticed that Mr. Cosmas and Mr. Zubi were quiet and could not look at him in the face.  

“Mr. Cosmas you know something,” Josiah said. “It was you, Mr. Zubi and Papa Efe that handled the matter. It is better you tell us because we will still find out. Now that the police is involved, we need to know what we are dealing with.”

Mr. Cosmas looked at Mr.Zubi. Mr. Zubi evaded his eyes.

“Please don’t lie to us,” Achike said. “I know what I saw that night.”

“Alright gentlemen, in truth the Inspector was sexually assaulted. The lawyer is wrongly suspected because he happened to be in the vicinity at the time. I know he did not do it. He has just been texting me on Whatsapp and he says there was no case against him and that the men were only going to rough him up.”

“I heard him. I saw him,” Achike said. “He was talking in Agbonyibo’s voice.” Achike seemed to be going back into trance. He was staring into space as he spoke. His voice was quieter than usual.

“You could have been dreaming,” Mr Zubi said.

“Perhaps,” Achike said. He still looked like he was not sure what day of the week it was.

“What do you mean by he was in the vicinity?” Josiah said.

“But you just heard Achike that he was there too,” Mr. Zubi said. “This is a public compound. Is there anyone here who has not opened another person’s door and entered their room by mistake before? There was an unfortunate set of circumstances that night but in the end, the Inspector has gone, there is no case against the lawyer, can we rest now?”

“Alright. But for the first time I wish Irikefe was here,” Josiah said.

“Irikefe knows everything. He knows neither the lawyer nor anyone here was involved.” Mr. Cosmas said.

“Alright. But me and my family will avoid him. There is no smoke without fire.”

“Do what pleases you,” Mr. Zubi said. “Meanwhile, did you people see how Oshiomhole was able to get Obaseki disqualified from the party’s governorship primaries in the state citing fake certificates? The same certificates the party recognized four years ago when the two men were still friends.”

“Well, Karma also caught up with Oshiomhole as his suspension as chairman of the party has been upheld by the Appeal Court. It seems the ruling party have woken up to the fact that their chairman is a cankerworm. At this rate, they will end up with only the Northern states by 2027. 

“Obaseki has resigned from the APC and has been flirting with PDP Governors. The man is not Ambode. South-south does not do God-fatherism. No one told Oshiomhole.”

 “Ugly people are always ugly inside and outside,”

“They said his new wife left him.”

“Who knows? I won’t blame her if she did.”

“Did you hear that Hushpuppi disappeared in the US supreme court using juju? Naija nor dey carry last.”

“E shock oyinbo people.”

“He did not disappear to anywhere. He will soon be extradited to Nigeria.”

“Meanwhile COVID 19 is just taking people. Dan Foster, Abiola Ajimobi.”

“They said Ajimobi did not die.”

“But he will soon die. Only life support is holding him on.”

“And he has been nominated APC chairman in the absence of Oshiomhole!”

“That just symbolizes that the APC is a dying party!”

“Gentlemen, The English Premier League returned at last.”

“Best news ever. Hopefully, we will have less of rape cases trending. Even D’banj too!”

And they say he is intimidating the girl and whatnot, with that him fine wife?”

“We all know it has nothing to do with whether a man’s wife is fine or not.”

“Na konji. Konji na idiot!” Mkpoikanna said. It was the only thing he said in the gathering.

“Keep quiet Mkpo! Men must learn self-control.”

“Wait o, has anyone seen Mr. Kingsley?”  Mr Zubi said.

In his room, Mr. Kingsley removed his face from Eyonyam’s behind and spun her around. She did not stop giggling. She ran her hands over his hairy chest, back and arms and kissed every part of his torso. Her dream man. He removed her tshirt and nudged her onto the bed with a finger and she lay on her back and spread-eagled. One look at her gaping nakedness and he said: “I wanna do bad things to you.”

And he did.

*

Two days after he left for Warri Irikefe snuck back into number 225 Katakata street at sunset. Children were playing outside and there were adults about too. They all welcomed the caretaker who looked like he had only just been told of his father’s demise. He unlocked his door and entered the room and sat on the centre table and looked at the armchair Funbi had sat in the last time. He was sure that on this return, as she thanked him for the credit alert, that he would sit her there again and with the assuredness of a landlord on his property, he would spread her legs and minister to her. Now he was not so sure.

He pulled out his phone and dialled her number. She picked at the first ring.

“Hello darling.”

“Hi Irikefe. What’s up?”

“I’m back. I’m in my room. Please come over.”

“Erm, not right now bro. Have a few things to attend to. Hope everything went well?”

Irikefe wanted to say ‘who is your bro?’ in Bobrisky’s voice. But he held his tongue. That was just the kind of situation he knew he could encounter, and he had not planned for it.

“Okay can I come to your room or we meet outside?”

“Not a good idea. Get some rest and we’ll chat later ok?”

“What’s the matter Funbi? Didn’t you miss me?”

“I missed you very much. But you just got back from a trip. Cool off and I’ll buzz you later.”

Irikefe was not having it. He was the caretaker after all. He terminated the call and marched to her room.

The door was closed so he knocked.

“Who is that?” a male voice said. It was Jide Falomo. No problem with that.

“It’s Irikefe. I need to speak with Funbi.”

Two minutes later the door opened and Funbi, rough-haired, dreamy eyes, erect nipples, in a singlet and bum short stood in front of him.

“I told you I would buzz you later,” she said.

“I know but babe I missed you and couldn’t wait to see you. I ran into some problems and there’s a delay with getting that thing we discussed. There was no need hanging around there so I decided to come back.”

“Good decision. I’m happy you got back safely. Later please,” she said and closed the door gently in his face.

That was what poverty did to you, Irikefe thought. If he had credited her account as he was supposed to he was sure she would have been licking his feet that moment. He found Castro’s number and rang him.

“Oboy I don come back,” he said when Castro connected.

“Haa! okay I dey come. Make we meet for Ndifreke room.”

“Why, wetin happen?”

“I go meet you there my guy.”

Ndifreke was getting ready to go out when Irikefe knocked on his door and entered the room. Castro followed a minute later.

“Welcome back boss!” Castro enthused.

“Omo, wetin dey happen?”

Castro looked at Ndifreke.

“How was your trip? How are the extended family?” Ndifreke said.

“Dem dey. I am suspicious of you both. Why una dey do like say another person die?”

“Nothing of the sort. Sit. Have you eaten?” Ndifreke said.

“For where? I no even get appetite. I see my girl just now she come dey do like say she no remember my name again.”

“Which your girl?” Castro said with a sneer.

“I told you everything foolish boy. Lawyer sister!”

Ndifreke recognized the can-i-tell-him-now look on Castro’s face.

“First tell me. How did it go? Papa Efe’s burial. Have you fixed a date?” Ndifreke said.

“He will be taken home after the lockdown and put in a mortuary there while they make the plans. For some reason, they say it will be elaborate. I did not have the time to ask them too many questions.”

“But why? Was that not why you went home?”

“Erm, well yeah. You know how these village people are. They are either in one meeting or the other when alive so they need to pay one thing or the other and get multiple clearances before burial. His trusted cousin is overseeing things. I had to return to my baby.”

Castro choked on his saliva. He coughed till his eyes became red.

Ndifreke handed him a cup of water.

In anger, Castro said “Who be your baby? Girl wey lawyer scatter the alignment for hin toto that very night before you travel!”

“Oh Lord! Castro!” Ndifreke gasped.

“Bros abeg leave me make I talk. I for don tell my guy since na you dey hold me.”

“Wait wait wait, Castro wetin you talk?”

“That night before you travel we no sleep for this compound. The guy fuck am sotey day no gree break again.”

“What? But the guy na nyash man na? Hin no know where toto dey for woman body!”

It then came together for Castro. Ndifreke’s disbelief, the mystery among the big shots in the council of elders, the stricken policeman, the attempted assault on Jide the other day by the officers that came to pack the policeman’s things!

“Wait o! Na wetin una dey hide for this compound since be dat?” Castro said.

“That guy wey him prick don die since! Abeg tell me another thing!” Irikefe said.

“I swear to God! Ask bros here. Even Mr. Cosmas know. My papa, my mama, my small brothers. The babe just dey shout the guy name as e dey hammer. I been wan tell you but bros say e go disturb your journey.”

Irikefe looked at Ndifreke. Ndifreke nodded.

“It’s true. I’m still trying to come to terms with it. He could have been bisexual all along.”

“The guy lie for una. E no just like him wife,” Castro said.

“You’re sure? Bros Freke?” Irikefe entreated of Ndifreke.

“Mr. Cosmas said he heard them too. Since then, apart from when he had the problem with the police the other day, they are hardly seen outside.”

“Na honeymoon na! The guy pursue him wife come turn to fresh punani. Meanwhile him lie for una say him no like woman. Badt guy!”

Irikefe took his face in his hands. That explained her behavior towards him and the way she appeared that evening. They obviously had been making out.

“If to say I succeed I for don wire the girl one malachi before I come back,” Irikefe said.

“What?”

“Na land I go sell my guy. I promised her 1 million naira if she did not do the modelling thing. I also wanted to fly her to Dubai.”

“Lord have mercy!”

“Na God save me be dat.”

“So you didn’t sell the land?”

“Dad’s cousin released his dogs on me. I lucky say I return with my blokos.”

“Choi!” Castro exclaimed and put his hands on his head.

“Guy I fell in love and fell stupidly.”

“You didn’t even tell me. I’m disappointed.” Ndifreke said. 

“No vex bros. You no see say I nearly fuck you up because of that babe?”

“Yes you did actually. I’m still looking for office space for my business.”

“Bros take the shop.”

“Really?”

“Employ me join sef. Make I be your Manager. I no get anything else for life na! My papa don die. Him broda no want make I sell the land wey my papa give me. I go rather jump inside lagoon than to do that carpenter work again. The Yahoo yahoo wey I been dey consider no come dey pay again as dem dey nab boys anyhow. Love wey I think say I don find too come be scam. Bros employ me. I go work for free.”

Ndifreke stood up and hugged Irikefe. Castro also stood and the three men shared hugs.

“Guy, for this life, no let woman make you turn your back on your guys mehn! See wetin nearly happen to me. To us!”

“Your father’s cousin deserves a medal. He saved your life.”

“I for kill the girl if to say she refuse to return my money.”

“We are glad it did not come to that.”

“So wetin go come happen to the land?”

“It is still my property. Maybe sometime in the future I will think of something. Bros Ovie could tell I was acting irrationally this time. No wonder my dad trusted him so much.”

“See why I say Papa Efe na the real G, he left you land worth millions. If to say na…”

“We don’t want to hear Castro,” Ndifreke said.

“All right. Welcome my guy. We miss you. Siddon make I tell you wetin dey happen for compound since.”

“Before that,” Irikefe said, “Bros promise me say dat girl no go work for our agency. We don’t want people that are not loyal.”

Ndifreke thought for a moment and said “All right.”

*

“The boy has a crush on you I see,” Jide said when Funbi returned and curled up to him on the sofa again.

“He asked me to be his girlfriend.”

“Interesting.”

“I could have accepted if you had not come along.”

“Oh! I wouldn’t have thought that possible.”

“He’s a good guy. Selfless like his dad. Funny as well.”

“Hmm. But he is a small boy. I don’t think he can afford three square meals.”

“I just liked him. He told me he was going home to sell his father’s land. Money would not have been a problem.”

“That kind of money doesn’t last. You dodged a bullet.”

“I bet I did,” Funbi said and started twiddling Jide’s nipples. He closed his eyes and cupped her breasts in both hands return.

“No. Open your eyes. Look at me. Look at my body. No more cheating.”

“All right.”

“Feel and enjoy the softness of my boobs.”

“Been doing that since and I’m still not getting hard.”

“Be calm. It is all in your head like you know. If I allow you close your eyes and think your thoughts you will become hard. What you need is to be consumed with my breasts, ass, thighs. Feel the softness of them and get hard as every normal guy would.”

“All right.”

“Am I not beautiful?”

“Yes you are.”

“Okay let me take off my shorts.” Funbi stood up and removed her bum shorts. She now had only the singlet on. “Take off your boxers too.”

Jide took off his boxers as well. They both wore only singlets.

“Did you say I was beautiful?”

“Yes you are.”

“I’m going to walk around the room. Take a good look at me.”

“Should I touch myself as I do so?”

“No. I want you to only have visual stimulation. Take in every inch of my body.”

“Yes, teacher.”

“Did I tell you I wanted to be a model?”

“No. Hope you won’t be modeling naked?”

“Ah! He is jealous! We are making progress!”

“Show me what you got hot girl!”

Funbi began a slow catwalk around the room, putting one leg in front of the other and swinging her waist as she did so. Then she stopped and turned her back and twerked. The cheeks of her bottom jiggled and clapped together and Jide closed his eyes.

“Keep your eyes on my hips and my ass, my boobs when I turn around. Think of all you can do to them. They are all yours to enjoy!”

 “I’m feeling something,” he said.

“Good. Now you can touch yourself. Don’t take your eyes off me.”

Jide did as he was told. He became hard but a loud clang of metal in the corridor made him to go limp again.

“No worries. Now let’s try something else.” She guided him to the bed and made him to lie supine and flattened his limp penis on his tummy and straddled him. She began to rock her wetness on the shaft.

“Can you feel that? Can you feel all that wetness?”

“Yes, it feels really good.”

“Grab my boobs.”

As she continued to rock him he started to get hard.

“It’s happening Brother Jide.”

“Just call me Jide please darling. I’m now your man.”

“That’s so good to hear.”  

“Yes, darling.”

“What are you thinking now Jide?”

“Nothing. Just you in my consciousness.”

“Good boy.”

Then as he became fully erect Funbi kept her eyes locked with his and guiding him inside her, steadied and rode like an Olympic cyclist.

For the first time ever they completed a round of sex without Jide having to think of anything other than the present. The beautiful Funbi. A woman.

“You’re getting there Brother Jide,” She said and winked mischievously.

“Thank you, my adorable teacher. You have done well. From now on, I am no longer your brother.”

Funbi knew what that meant. She was happy for him. She was happy for them.

*    

Sister Esther entered the nurse’s room.

“It’s chromosomal deficiency of the foetus.”

“Oh my God.”

“But I will have this baby.”

“Oh Sister Esther!”

“I will have it. The devil will not prevail.”

“I know Sister Esther but…”

“No buts. I know the God I serve.”

“Sit down Sister Esther,” Josephine said. “Can I give you a drink?”

“I don’t need a drink. I am okay.”

“Did he explain what that was to you?”

“Yes. He said I might have a child that is not complete.”

“Could be a child with a deficiency like Down’s Syndrome.”

“Imbecile?”

“That is what we call it here.”

“I will not give birth to an imbecile. The God I serve will correct it! He will not allow it!”

“Amen Sister.”

Sister Esther jumped on her feet.

“Who’s report will you believe? Romans 3:4 If men give you a report which is contrary to the Word of God, let God be true and every man a liar!”

“Amen Sister!”

“Whose report will you believe? Psalms 1:1-3 Blessed are those who do not follow the advice of the ungodly, but delight in the law of the Lord.”

“Amen Sister!”

“Whose report will you believe? 2Chronicles 16:12-13 Asa only sought help from the doctors and never from the Lord. His sickness got worse and then he died. I call on the name of the Living God! By the stripes of the Lord Jesus we are healed!”

“Amen Sister!”

“I am not bothered. I have been silent and because of that they think I have forgotten who my father is!”

“Please tell them, Sister.”

“The only problem is that my man has started misbehaving.”

“How?”

“I don’t know if it is because of my condition that he would not touch me again.”

“Oh!”

“Last night I heard him saying ‘Mama Evae’ in his sleep.”

“No way!”

It was the same problem Josephine was having with Chisco. The day of the police altercation he had followed her upstairs and she had told him off in no certain terms. He could not even deny it.

“You! look at you!” She had said to him. “Because of that woman! Your brother’s wife’s mother. Don’t you know that that is incest?”

“Wetin be incest?”

“It means fucking a relation!”

“She from Togo me I from Arochukwu.”

“She is now your relation by marriage! You don’t sleep with your inlaws! Your brother, sister, or mother-in-law are your brother, sister or mother by law! Do you fuck your mother?”

“She too small to born me.”

“You are not even denying it. Get out! Get lost!”

Sister Esther shook her head.

“I will investigate and if it is true I will show her! Even if I have to keep my bible aside!”

“Be careful Sister Esther. Not in this condition. Your pregnancy is now high risk.”

“I have heard you, nurse. But I will not be inside water and soap will enter my eyes.”

TO BE CONTINUED.

MR. KINGSLEY’S SURPRISE

June 19, 2020

A NARROW ESCAPE

June 19, 2020